NEW YORK (WCBS 880)  -- Back when I was in high school, Billy Pulver once left a tuna fish and liverwurst sandwich in his gym locker. (Yes, his mother was a sadist.) He left it in there on a Friday before a week’s vacation. 

10 days later when he opened the locker, the vomit-inducing stench that permeated the already fetid and sodden locker room can not be adequately described. To this day, the odor is embedded in my consciousness as a memento of just how dreadful the human condition can sometimes be.

That thought brings us to the Yankee offense. Just like Billy Pulver’s sandwich, the Yanks are stinking up the joint in an unparalleled fashion.  After 9 games, it’s a miracle that the team is 4-5. Those four wins are a result of good pitching. They could easily be 0-9…and that would make Billy Pulver’s sandwich flush with jealousy.

Through 9 games, the Yanks have scored a grand total of 25 runs. Compare that to the runs scored after 9 games in the 10 previous seasons:

2007: 56
2006: 65
2005: 42
2004: 41
2003: 65
2002: 50
2001: 68
2000: 45
1999: 69
1998: 52

The Yanks haven’t scored so few runs in the first 9 games since 1989, when they finished 74-87 under Dallas Green and Bucky Dent.

The team batting numbers so far are horrible:  .244/.301/.366; OPS+ of 82. The Yanks are next to last in the A.L. in On Base Percentage and Slugging Percentage.

Paging Larry Bowa

Jason Giambi and Robby Cano are having particularly difficult starts. In the case of Cano, that old bugaboo--plate discipline--is largely to blame. Cano struggled at the beginning of last year as well so all indications are that he will break out of it at some point. But right now Cano does not seem to have a plan at the plate. When Jeter went down, Girardi put Cano in the 2-hole, but so far that has not worked. Cano is just 7 for 36 with, you guessed it, no walks to speak of. That breaks out to .194/.194/.222 .

Giambi is another case all together. Cano is young; He is still learning, and he does have the ability to win a batting title within the next few years.

Giambi told reporters "We're playing like a bunch of old men right now." Well Jason, you know what they say, if the walker fits….

This is Giambi’s last year with the Yankees. He’s making $23 million this season, which makes Carl Pavano’s contract seem like a bargain. (It’s also more than the entire Florida Marlins team.) The idea that he can play more than 80 games at 1st base is ridiculous. He hasn’t done that since 2003.

Unfortunately, the Yanks sent Shelley Duncan down to Scranton to make room for Alberto Gonzalez at short, thus preventing Jeter from being placed on the DL. Duncan might be able to provide some much-needed pop right now. At least he wouldn’t do any worse than the Giambino. As for the other first base options, Wilson Betemit is overmatched and impatient. In fact, he’s been a bust since he put on the pinstripes. I wouldn’t be surprised if his tenure in the Bronx is coming to an end. Morgan Ensberg, the other first base option, has not gotten a chance yet. The time has come for Girardi to give him a look.

Talk of the Yanks’ offensive blight would not be complete without comment on Johnny Damon. 212/.316/.333 speaks volumes. If you listen closely you’ll hear it saying: “I can’t hit anymore. I am not a leadoff man. Somewhere Theo is laughing.” Damon’s sole virtue at the moment is keeping Hideki Matsui out of left field.

Granted, Matsui is one of the few Yankees who is hitting well: .333  .375  .567. But in the theory that “this first nine games are completely exposing all the Yanks’ ugly warts,” Matsui is playing the worst outfield for any major leaguer I’ve seen since Todd Hundley’s aborted experiment.

Back in 2006, John Dewan in his seminal book, The Fielding Bible,  said: “Matsui ranks near the bottom in enhanced  plays made over three years…he’s inconsistent and struggles with his routes to the ball.”

 At that time, the only leftfielders Dewan rated below Matsui were Adam Dunn and Manny Ramirez. Matsui has gotten far worse since then. His range is abysmal. He take curious roots to the ball. He seems to have an enormous amount of difficulty with balls hit over his head. His arm is Damon-like. Hideki in left is a disaster. He should only be a DH at this point in his career. The trouble is, the Yanks are a team of DHs.

Will the Yanks rebound? Probably…they have made recovering from bad starts an art form in recent years. But right now they’re playing like Billy Pulver’s tuna and liverwurst sandwich.

The funny thing is Billy Pulver was a Red Sox fan.